Many of us don't say "no" enough. We know it's important, we've heard Oprah say it, but, but, but...we feel guilty.
Learning to say "no" is fairly simple. Most of us have great practice at it as toddlers. But WHEN do we say it? This part can be painful!
I heard this phrase not that long ago and it hit me like a ton of bricks...If it doesn't give you energy, you have no business doing it. Ouch, bricks. I thought I had been doing a pretty decent job saying no more.
I ask myself, "Does it make your heart go up or down?" If the answer is down, I JUST SAY NO. Don't let me kid you...this took A LOT of work and support. When I was new to not being a doormat I found myself explaining and explaining my no because I thought it was selfish.
Then I had a couple really kind, amazing, emotionally-honest, feel-good people show up in my life who were REALLY good at saying "no" in a way that somehow felt great. [...]
It was such a RELIEF.
I didn't expect this part. I never had to wonder if I was burdening them. I never had to worry that they were smiling to my face saying, "SURE!" while grumbling behind my back. I felt comfortable asking them for ANYTHING because I knew they would say no if it wasn't convenient for them and didn't make their heart go up. I could trust their YES! And our relationship felt SO good. I felt more comfortable asking for more support and connecting with them MORE. Their NOs led to MORE connection...it was all SO strange to my doormat self.
I learned to keep my explanations of my NOs as short as possible and to be confident that taking care of me is important...and it's just as much a gift to those around me as it is to myself.
If you want to want to do the thing requested of you, but it still makes your heart go down try saying something like, "I want to say yes, but I have to shift some other things before I do." If it's possible to shift the other things consuming your energy then do so!
When you say yes to someone when your heart goes down you'll have resentment. Allowing resentment to poison the connection is more disrespectful and harmful to your relationship than just saying no in the first place.
Whenever you say "yes" to something you say "no" to something else...and many times saying "no" is a great big way to say "yes" to YOU.
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