"I don't want to have sex, but I know it will be good once we get going."

I knew that'd get your attention. As a therapist who works with couples I am often asking men and women about the details of their sex lives. Sex frequency and satisfaction can be a barometer for how satisfying a relationiship is. The presence or lack of sex drive can also be a barometer for how much stress a person is under. The book A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex is a simultaneously comprehensive and easy-to-read book about all things SEX. The title implies it's just for women, but I've also found it helpful for men who are partnered with women who have low drive. It's easy to take your partner's sex drive personally and this can quickly poison other aspects of the relationship. I've found there are many men and women who don't know enough about sex, especially drive, or how to communicate about it in an effective way.

In this book Dr. Laurie Mintz (professor at Mizzou!!) says that a woman's sex drive over her life span is in the shape of a U. It's very high in her late teens and early 20s and then plummits for a period of time. This period of time is often known as....drumroll please.....YOUNG CHILDREN IN THE HOME. Stress impacts sex drive in men and women. Young children, complicated or worrisome financial or work situations, and Ph.D. programs (I speak from experience here) can increase stress levels which function to lower testosterone levels and testosterone plays a large part in the existence of sex drive or the physiological need or desire for sex. A person who lacks drive, but is otherwise physically/sexually healthy, might say or think something like the title of this blog. [...]

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Men have 10x the testosterone that women do. Dr. Mintz likens the difference between men and women's testosterone levels to a full tank and 1/10 of a tank of gas respectively. It takes MUCH LESS stress to wipe out a women's sex drive than it does a man's.  Dr. Mintz says a medical doctor once explained to her that on a full tank of gas (testosterone) a man could be standing in a pile of elephant feces, see a beautiful woman walk by, and think about SEX. On 1/10 of a tank of gas a woman could be on the way to the bedroom, see a dirty sock on the floor, and...well...FORGET IT. Messages of stress to the brain change levels of hormones impacting sex drive as a means of natural birth control. It makes sense: it's a woman's body's way of not getting pregnant at an inopportune time.

In our fast-paced society stress levels are increased and hard to escape. "UHhhhh, excuse me body, society's changed....could you catch up please?? My partner is taking my sex drive personally and it's impacting our relationship. Thanks!" If only it were that simple. A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex is filled with pertinent and helpful information and strategies to help women re-gain their interest in sex. A recent study regarding the book found that women who read the book reported a 60% increase in their sexual desire and a 42% increase in sexual arousal.  A healthy sex life is part of a healthy relationship and a healthy body. Sex, with orgasm especially, increases levels of the feel-good hormone oxytocin which also promotes better sleep. SOLD!

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