You are not your past, your history, your parents, or any other relative that was depressed, anxious, had a strange psychiatric disorder, or was suicidal.
You are how you deal with all of those things....and it sounds like you're already doing more (being aware and reaching out for support) than they may have.
Talking about what has been kept silent in your family feels [....]
terrifying. Like you're going against some unspoken rule and that there is some looming and real danger in speaking out about what has been kept quiet.
When you sprinkle shame with a little secrecy it grows exponentially. Shame wants to LIVE. It wants us to think that it's terrifying to speak our truths and it definitely wants you to keep judging yourself into a corner and kicking your own ass. It wants you to keep duct-taping your life together.
But what if you REALLY are crazy, damaged, or helplessly dysfunctional? If you're even THINKING about therapy, I'm willing to bet this isn't the case. It sounds more like you're someone who values well-being, is aware of issues and maybe even your part, and wants to do it better. Doesn't sound so crazy to me. Shame is a loud bitch though.
The role of a really great therapist is tease out who you really are from behind all of your deepest darkest fears of who you might be or who you're doomed to become, breathe total acceptance and understanding onto the shame (a total shame killer, btw), and help you create new habits and practices from a really conscious, less-habitual place.
And, if you're thinking that perhaps you have MORE issues than your partner and maybe you should come alone to deal with all your craziness...as much as I hear you'd like to blame yourself (it is nice to think we have all the control, isn't it?) I always see relationship issues in pieces...and everyone is holding a piece. Whether that piece is dishing out a lot of crap, or tolerating a lot of crap...it's still a piece. Everyone plays a part in the problem; you are your only solution.
xoxo...you got this! promise.