He Sneakily Called Me Crazy
Our arguments used to spiral.
He'd call me crazy in a really sneaky way. Not with those words. More like: "That's not what happened." Or "Calm down." Or "You're overreacting."
And I would escalate and get loud. Cuz ew. Then he'd say "See?! YOU'RE yelling."
My therapist was the first person to name the pattern. She said: he's calling you a crazy idiot without saying one of those words — and that is not okay. Your feelings? Valid. Your reaction? Needs work.
Then she said: if there were no part of you that agreed with him — that you were inferior, or less than, or the crazier one, or the one with the more effed up past — if you didn't have him on a pedestal — you wouldn't feel the need to lose it.
Then she handed me a script.
“Look at him," she leaned over and looked at me intensely, "and say this: 'As long as you insist on coming from a superior place, our marriage will ALWAYS be interesting.' Then walk away. Only re-engage when he's being kind and respectful."
My whole body didn't even understand this level of confidence 22 years ago.
When I look back, it's kind of a ridiculous thing to say. But it worked — not because it fixed him. Because it changed what I was willing to participate in.
When you stop believing you're inferior and act accordingly, there's no reason to be a banshee. No reason to defend or explain. Zero.
This is one of 30+ relationship rules I'm talking about online. You can follow along on Instagram :)
And if you're tired of getting in the same fights on repeat, here's a 30ish-minute communication training we have for that:
You deserve happy relationships,
