What’s funny about life is that you can be happy ABOUT your life, but not necessarily happy IN your life. 
 
You’ve checked most, if not all of the boxes. A lot is great. On paper, everything looks swell!…but you can’t shake the nagging feeling that you “should” feel better than this. 
 
How confusing, Life.
 
You start to wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” and start SHOULDing on yourself, “Stop feeling this way; you have so much to be GRATEFUL for. SO many people have it worse.” 
 
And this is because we consolidate being happy ABOUT our life and being happy IN our life into one glob of a thing, but they are very different things with very little overlap. There’s likely a Venn diagram I could draw here, but I’ll refrain.
 
To make matters more crazy-making the things to be happy ABOUT are more quantitative, easier to measure, more tangible, and easier to put on that life checklist: ✅ I have a good-paying job, ✅ my partner is a good person, ✅ I like where I live well enough, ✅ I have healthy kids, etc.
 
[START HERE IF YOU'RE COMING FROM IG]
 
But being happy IN your life might require some less checklist-able things like feeling deeply seen and understood, feeling energized by what fills the majority of your day, feeling connected and like emotional intimacy is a part of your closest relationships, feeling like your life has meaning and purpose, and perhaps physical intimacy isn’t awkward and/or non-existent. 
 
To make matters more perplexing there is no one-size-fits-all recipe for this and the ratios of these ingredients and what you need to create a life that works for YOU will depend on your personality type, what you value, how you feel loved, what energizes you, etc.
 
SO, we can’t compare notes on what makes us happy IN our life…and in the departments of “Am I ok?”, “Should I need this?”, and “Should I feel this way,”  we REALLY like to compare notes. [SPOILER ALERT: this will have you feeling like a broken failure in no time.]
 
Because of the fact that there is NO ONE-SIZE-FITs-ALL recipe for this *feeling happy in your life* 2 people who are sharing a relationship, household, and even children can have TOTALLY differing opinions, perspectives, and feelings about said life. The person who feels less icky about it might prioritize different IN-your-life things. 
 
Is it possible that no one is wrong? That maybe you should be feeling the way you’re feeling? And that your feelings are growing-in-size flashing neon signs directing you to something not-so-easy-to-put-on-paper (or put your finger on) that you need more of?
 
Ahhhhhh, that feels a little better doesn’t it?
 
You deserve happy relationships,

My office has moved to the heart of Downtown Kirkwood - caddy corner from Kaldis. I have thus opened up more in-person hours including evening hours on Mondays and Tuesdays again. I will start seeing clients here 3/28/2022. If my limited in-person hours (since November) have gotten in the way of scheduling I am sorry….and I'm back! 
 
If you have an appointment scheduled after 3/28 you'll receive an email with your new appointment location information.

106 W. Madison, Suite 205
Kirkwood, MO 63122
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PS - Check out my FREE Training for Busy Couples or a whole slew of Online Courses for some more meaningful self care :)

PS - Try my FREE Training for Busy Couples first :) www.mikaross.com/training

P.S. - You're wanting to be a different kind of mom than the one you had too? A great place to start might be my wellMAMA Virtual Workshop + Community. Check it out :)

It's a MOMference and a night out. It's inspiring, ah-ha moment-inducing, and silly. You might shed a tear and you'll definitely laugh. Moms, I want you to leave this event feeling lighter and more empowered: with a clearer understanding of yourself, what you need, and next best steps (if you want them). I want you to feel more WELL.

I sort of see Moms like an endangered species (not, like, in danger of becoming extinct, but...); we're 2x as likely to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety than our male counterparts, report lower rates of relationship satisfaction than our husbands, are drowning in to-dos, and feel like we're failing everywhere.

And our husband wears 1 baby in a wrap to the grocery store to pick up 5 things and is praised by 7 strangers in amazement.

Also, he wants sex...now. "How about now?"...."Now??" despite the relationship lacking in emotional intimacy and you feeling like you're drowning in to-do ocean while he's up on the boat chillaxin - blissfully unaware of the mile-long invisible list (the dog needs to be groomed, the kids are past due for their well visits, need to research when the baby can eat solids, gotta decipher this email from the reading specialist, plan a 4-year-old birthday party, etc.) that needs to be complete by noon.

So many of us have the same complaints - feelings of overwhelm, not feeling like a priority, feeling like we're not enough, wondering if we're selfish...

You're asking me questions like, "Is there something wrong with me?", "How can I get him to SEE the dishes?" and "How can I get what I need without yelling about it?"

You feel alone, disconnected, and like it's hard to remember who you used to be...but you're pretty sure you used to laugh more.

You say things like, "Why do I have to tell you what to do, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST KNOW?!"

I've been there. I've crawled out of that. I've helped thousands of others do the same.

The path to not recognizing yourself one day is a slippery and insidious slope. Whether you're already there, or wonder if you might be on your way...well, Mama, we have hand-crafted this event just for you. And the support and connection won't end when the event is over...
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The best thing you can do for your kids is be well.
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See you soon, XOXO

P.S. We are 2/3 full! Only 55 tickets remain. CLICK HERE to learn more :)

Earlier this year I told my good friend I had this strange desire to see a therapist. Me (the therapist) seeing a therapist isn’t the strange part. Despite what you may think, psychotherapists seeking therapy is really common. And trust me, you want the therapist who has worked through her shi….own stuff with a professional, not the one who hasn’t.

The strange part was that I didn’t feel like I had things to work through or change (which… in and of itself, feels like a strange and new place for me to be), but I couldn’t shake the desire to go through the hard work of finding a good therapist.

She was like, “You should do it....if that’s what you feel like you need.”

But I didn’t really feel like I needed just one therapist or even on-going therapy. Here comes the strange part...I told her, “I’m just craving that first session...where I get to spill it all. It’s like I want 7 first sessions.”

She said, “Huh. That’s weird. It sounds like you might just want to tell your story.”

I said, “Yeah, maybe.”

“Maybe it’s time to write your book?!”

Whoa. I hadn’t really considered that this was what this feeling could be: the desire to share my story, in full - not just in not-regular, somewhat-vague blog posts or short stories with clients and friends, or repeating myself to the few people in my life who do know the full story. I think my husband is done hearing about all this stuff out-loud, and I don’t blame him.

The thought of sharing it all in a cohesive, here’s-how-all-the-pieces-fit-together, way sounds simultaneously overwhelming and cathartic; self-indulgent and important. I wonder so much what it would feel like to write that last chapter, to have the ability to figuratively and literally close the door of that back cover to those parts of my life. Would it feel like completion and closure?

Over the years of writing on the internet (albeit inconsistently), I’ve gotten more comfortable with the thought of writing a book like, “Yeah, I could do that...”, although I still feel like a jerk admitting it outloud - like I’m that douche-canoe who believes I’m THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON IN THE WORLD!

I am definitely not terribly interesting.

I am, however, a person with invisible scars. Scars that were once gaping wounds of anxiety, crippling worry, depression, wildly (and insidiously) dysfunctional relationships, dismal self-esteem, and overwhelming loneliness.

There were decades of wondering if there was something wrong with me, if I was worth deep and meaningful connections, if anyone wanted to have them with me, and countless moments of leaping...good grief, so much leaping, hoping the fucking net everyone talks about would appear.

And let’s not forget the years of trudging through what it looks like and sounds like to value myself in relationship with others. This included the almost unbearable work of untangling myself from people who were committed to not seeing me clearly....even when the alternative was feeling like I was floating, untethered, away from everything I’d ever known to feel comfortable and safe (not healthy or wonderful, but safe) and into some red hot, chest-aching loneliness.

I don’t think people talk about invisible scars enough.

The moral of my story will be: It’s worth it. The hard work you resist doing to create the life you really want; it’s worth it. The hard conversations you avoid having; they’re worth it. The boundaries you don’t want to have, the loneliness you don’t want to feel, the grief you’re trying to escape, the connections you can’t want to make, the leaps you’re terrified to take...YOU are worth it.

You deserve healthy relationships. And if I can do it, I’m fairly certain anyone can.

So, why am I telling you all of this? Because I don’t think that I can do this alone. I’m not the person who can do big things without big accountability. Like, I couldn't run a marathon without a serial killer trailing close behind. I know this about myself.

So, why not bring you all along on the journey for some accountability? Wait, I think I just compared you to a serial killer. Hmmm. Honestly, I’m not even sure THIS (sharing with a few thousand people) will be enough accountability to stick with this project (you’re not very scary), but it’s the best idea I’ve got.
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So, here were are... in this awkward moment… giving it a shot. I’ve heard great books start in the middle. Crappy rough-draft of the messy middle coming next...or at least paragraph one of the messy middle. Or this post could mysteriously disappear in the near future. Stay tuned. I guess we’ll find out together.

Wanna stay tuned? To get notified when this feed has updates CLICK HERE, and/or follow me on Instagram and Facebook. 

You're not good at *reading* people. (What does this have to do with this photo?….read til the end)

“THAT IS what you were saying."

I often hear some form of this when couples are revisiting a conflict they couldn't get through in the past week.

"That's NOT what I was saying!"

"Oh, YES it was. I'm good at reading people."

Nope. No you're not. Of course, I don't say this in the moment, I show them instead by dragging them through effective verbal communication about nonverbal communication.

WHY is communicating about nonverbal communication so important? First, some examples.

What if you’re at lunch with your friend talking about a particularly hard scenario you’re trying to navigate and you say, “Oh, gosh, this is a long story. Are you sure you have time?” And your friend says, “YES, OF COURSE!!!” but then proceeds to look at her watch every minute or so.

Which are you going to believe, her verbals or her nonverbals?

You come home to your partner slamming kitchen cabinets, and you ask, “Is everything ok?” And he/she responds, “FINE!”

You will, most likely, not believe the words.

We give more weight to nonverbal communication than we do to verbal communication, but there’s SO MUCH MORE ROOM to miscommunicate about nonverbal communication. Yet most of us don’t have the skills to check out our perception in the moment with a big question mark at the end and we fill in the blanks, assuming meaning, instead of getting clarity from the person expressing themselves.

“I’m interpreting the silence as judgment. Is that what it means?”

“I hear you say you’re fine, but it doesn’t seem like you’re fine.”

“Did that sigh mean you’re irritated with ME?”

I am constantly listening for how communication could be heard another way, checking out my perception of the communication (because I know the same sentence said in different ways can mean SEVERAL different things), and waiting until I get the all clear to respond in the form of AGREEMENT from the person I’m communicating with on what’s being said before I respond.

I NO LONGER assume I understand another person’s intent without checking It out. I’m highly trained in communication, have several letters after my name, and I will tell you I’m right about 50% of the time when I check out my understanding of what the other person is saying.

This will be even less if the rose-colored glasses you used to have for your partner have been replaced with poop-colored lenses after years of miscommunication….making miscommunicating even easier. Ugh.

This pic? Looks like we’re having a great time, right? Lots of fun? Maybe playing a game? Maybe just participating in some Mom-of-the-year type of behavior?

Nah. My new 12-year-old social media manager took my phone, told me to put my little one on my back and laugh. I thought, “This is ridiculous,” but did it anyway. And then she took THIS picture. Super AMAZING....and super fake. 

Nonverbals are hard to read, should have known.

You deserve happy relationships, 

PSSSTT - ​It’s SO EASY to miscommunicate and to slide down the slippery slope into a roommatey relationship. Check out my super relatable FREE Training for Busy Couples for lots more super do-able ways to get your relationship back on track.

The FREE Training for Busy Couples is available now. Click below to pick your class time.