I Pointed Out My Husband's “Spare Tire” During a Sexual Encounter
Once, I pointed out my husband's “spare tire” during a sexual encounter.
Woof, I know. AWFUL. JUST….AWFUL.
There was a series of very unfortunate events in my brain that led to this moment, which included feeling not my best physically - I had had a baby just a few months prior, AND one of my knees had gone wonky and I couldn't figure out why or how to make it better.
It was my first time really feeling old, or at least not young.
Anywho…TMI, but we were on the couch, and very quickly, all of these thoughts bombarded me. My knee couldn't get comfy, and I couldn't get HIS visual of my imperfect body out of my head, and I blurted out, “Your tire is getting in the way” as I was trying to get situated.
Just typing this makes me nauseous and sweaty. AS SOON as it fell out of my mouth, I wanted to scoop it up and shove it back in. As he was ungracefully and expeditiously trying to exit the scene, I was begging for his forgiveness.
The long story is that my husband's “tire” would come and go very quickly, and he later realized his body has a huge problem with gluten and dairy. The longer story is…I didn't really care about his “tire” in terms of attractiveness, but it was mysterious and made me a little worried about his health.
Because the tire, in and of itself, didn't impact attraction for me, and the fact that all of my self-critical thoughts came so fast and were probably just sort of always in the background like an open tab in my mind…it took me a minute to realize I had let my discomfort and disgust with myself leak out onto him.
He was MAD, and he had every right to be; what I did was not okay.
I offered what I could in terms of an apology, but he wasn't able to accept it that night.
As someone who's studied the brain and what happens in conflict, I understand that when our fight-or-flight response is activated, we might need time to calm down to be able to MOVE THROUGH the conflict, reach a resolution, and get to a better-feeling place.
When ANGRY, our brains might as well be in REVERSE on the path to resolution, and interacting with someone while in this state will likely make things worse, not better.
Don't go into the lion's den and expect not to get eaten.
I quickly realized he needed space, and I gave that to him. We weren't going to go to bed not angry, and that was okay (neuroscience agrees, btw).
But also, I didn't unnecessarily beat myself up. People make mistakes. Even really good people make really big mistakes…especially when they're not super happy with themselves.
Cleaning up my side of the sidewalk would entail getting clear about my part, owning it, owning it out loud, validating in no uncertain terms that comments like this are harmful, hurtful, and wrong, and making some changes on the inside and outside that would have me feeling less like an unattractive old troll.
The next morning, he was pretty icy. Knowing what I know about the brain, I didn't interpret this as punishment, but as further communication that space was needed. If he's icy, his brain is still in reverse.
We got our three tiny kids out the door without much interaction, and I headed to work, and he headed to the basement to work from home.
This was Monday.
That afternoon, I asked him if he could talk. I started off by saying, “I am SO SORRY about what I said last night….” but was quickly cut off with, “IF I WERE TO EVER, EVER, say anything like that about you…YOU would…" and the anger and blame and criticism just kept spewing. “YOU…YOU…YOUUUUUU” statements were flying.
Justified? Absolutely.
Accurate? Yes.
Helpful in getting us from where we were to where we wanted to be? Nope.
Two communication "wrongs" don't make a right, and sticking around and/or otherwise tolerating relationally damaging communication doesn't serve either party or the relationship as a whole.
The time to set a boundary for this type of unhelpful way of interacting that's THE HARDEST for me is moments like these when I've done something that's clearly not okay.
At this point in my training, I had the wherewithal to breathe, realize this conversation wasn't going well, and that he was still in reverse.
We weren't going to get to a resolution today.
I calmly and softly, while he was in mid-angry you-statement, said, “I hear you want to teach me a lesson, and you are JUSTIFIED in that, but as long as you want to teach me a lesson, I have to walk away.”
This didn't stop the berating. I repeated, “As long as you want to teach me a lesson, I have to walk away," and I slowly and quietly did.
There wasn't really another chance for us to talk until Wednesday, and an almost identical scene unfolded.
He was still in reverse - coming from an “I'm right, you're wrong; I'm sane, you're crazy; I'm smart, you're stupid” and dominating intent. I excused myself again.
But what I know about the fight-or-flight response is that it doesn't last forever, and I just planned to give more space and keep checking in WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY GIVING MYSELF CONSTANT PERMISSION SLIPS TO STILL HAVE A GOOD DAY.
“I need you to change so that I can feel better” isn't love and care…it's co-dependence, and while it might be coming from a good place, this mindset lures people into communication that consistently creates maladaptive communication, like explaining profusely (which just sounds like excuses), beating a dead horse, placating to “end” a disagreement without truly getting to a real resolution, and otherwise entrenching a dyad into communication that goes no-where.
On Thursday, I walked into our home office and said, “Hey, we have a happy hour date scheduled tomorrow, and if you don't want to go with me, I totally understand. We could cancel, or we could keep the babysitter and do things separately with friends. I'm okay either way.”
I was communicating a few research-backed healthy relationship mindsets here:
You have every right to your feelings, and I don't NEED you to feel another way.
My happiness is my job.
Also, I'm here and ready to move through this—if you're ready.
He said, “Nah, we can go together.”
An earlier version of me, whose happiness DEPENDED on EVERYONE liking me and being pleased with me always, would have pounced on this moment with ZERO CHILL.
This version of me, who knew that affective neuroscience says that timing is everything, and the further away we get from the negative interaction, the more likely we'll be able to engage with the vulnerability necessary to get to the end of the conversation and BOTH FEEL BETTER, more seen, more heard, and more understood, had so much patience.
We had a date tomorrow in a public place. I waited.
When I sat down at our regular Friday night happy hour spot, I didn't even let the waters hit the table before I said, “I am truly sorry for what I said on Sunday. I know it was so hurtful and not oka…”
And he said, “Nope.” Not, like, an angry nope….and I was so confused.
“If I were really happy with myself, your words wouldn't have hurt me so much. I'm not happy with how I've been taking care of myself physically…and that's on me. I need to make some changes.”
WTF. This was a very different version of Eric than I had seen on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. He was no longer in reverse.
I said, “AND it WAS NOT okay. It was SO awful. And, I also think, for me, it came from a place of me not being happy with myself physically and had very little to do with how I see you.”
We were both soft….not literally…well maybe literally, but that's not what I'm saying here - we were vulnerable, talking about soft emotions like hurts and fears, there was no blame and criticism, we were both owning our parts, and we ended up having a great conversation about what the hell we were going to do to get out of this rut.
I'm pretty sure he decided to start CrossFit, and I planned to try out a group personal training gym near our house because I'd rather live with gravel in my underwear than do CrossFit. We collaborated on how this was all going to work with jobs and 3 tiny kids.
We both left that happy hour feeling more seen, heard, and understood, and with a plan to get moving in a better-feeling direction.
THAT's a resolution worth waiting for.
I think what a lot of people don't realize is that you can skip the relationally damaging middle when you have the knowledge to discern what's great communication and what's detrimental, the skills to set boundaries in a not-bitchy way, and the confidence to know what to do and say next in tough interactions.
This is why I'm obsessed with great communication and how to navigate conflict well; it makes relationships a whole lot less confusing, dramatic, and energy-draining.
I hope this long story helped you see some things about conflict more clearly.
You deserve happy relationships…and if you want more, we have it. Check out our relateWELL Membership that includes courses on communication, how to fight in a way that keeps you from having the same arguments on repeat, workshops that help you get on the same parenting page in 80 minutes, workshops that teach you everything you didn't know you needed to know about sex drive, and how to divide household and family related tasks without hating eachother all for less than what I paid to have Panera mac & cheese and a strawberry smoothie delivered to my daughter at dance last night per month.
Watch and listen your way to better interactions with the people you love the most. I promise I'll throw myself under the bus again for education and entertainment purposes 😉
We weren't taught this stuff, but I have found it SO WORTH IT to learn.
If I can do it (BOTH of my parents were married 3 times), anyone can,
P.S. - relateWELL is a choose-your-own adventure in improving your relationships. My in-person workshops sell out for $75+ per couple, so even if you only participate in 2 in 3 months, it's still well worth the investment. I know…at $28 per month, it's priced kinda ridiculously, but it's part of my mission to help MORE people at a LOWER price point, because I think everyone deserves happy relationships. We have had so many join that it's totally been a win-win, and those are the best kind. Check it out HERE.
