My ducks 🦆 are not in rows
I'm 4.5 weeks out from a hysterectomy.
My husband is on crutches with a mystery leg injury.
All three kids have been sick.
And I just launched a parenting chatbot.
I'm telling you this not for sympathy (okay, maybe a little sympathy).
I'm telling you because over the last few weeks, I'm living in exactly the kind of stress that makes people say things they don't mean.
The kind where someone asks you a simple question, and you snap.
Where you think you're being clear and your partner thinks you're being cold. Where you say "That's not what I meant!" and you can't figure out how to not be seen through poop-colored lenses.
I teach this stuff. I help families untangle their worst fights. And right now, my house is the case study.
Here's what I keep coming back to: the goal isn't to not fight. The goal is to move through conflict or differences in a way that doesn't leave damage.
What does that look like when you're depleted? When there are WAY more to-dos on the list than normal? When everyone needs something, AND you have nothing left?
It looks like this:
Be ridiculously clear. As a person who's weirdly good at noticing what people need, it never ceases to amaze me the degree of clarity that's required to get my needs met while living with other people…especially teenagers who often have a hard time seeing past their own nose. Feeling irritated about something repeatedly? Ask youself, “What do you need?” Instead of launching into a coversation about how the other person isn't doing enough or starting with “Are you blind, deaf, and dumb??”, start with, “I'm realizing I haven't been clear…I need______________.”
you to make a meal every week. Which night works for you?
chores to be done without asking by 4pm. If they're not done and the chore of noticing and reminding you gets put on my plate, I will give you something to do that's on my plate (or cards, (which require no brain power, if you're in the Family Rules Chores and Systems for Discipline Workshop).
to not be overwhelmed. Can we sit down and talk about my invisible to-do list and come up with a plan?
Paraphrase before you explain yourself to get out of go-nowhere arguments. "That's not what I meant" is almost always the wrong first move. Despite a lifetime of not getting results with this statement, people continue to use it as a first-line defense because they don't know what else to do. What your person heard IS what landed — even if it's not what you intended. Before you try to persuade them, get in their shoes and put into words the crappy thing you think they heard you say. Watch this reel for the full breakdown. I'll be posting a story from my marriage where this worked like magic on IG soon.
Get good at apologizing AND asking for an apology. “I'm sorry you feel that way," will likely get you NOWHERE. Hearing someone first (the paraphrase skill from above), “So you thought I was calling you a big dummy? Well, that sucks. I'm sorry. Let me try again." Will get you much further. Some people just need the words “I'm sorry,” without excuses or explanation…and some people need to know you understand their perspective and what your plan is; they might not even need the words “I'm sorry.” It's weird, but knowing which one you are and which one your partner is will save you a lot of time and energy.
Repair doesn't require resolution. You don't have to solve the whole thing right now. You just have to signal that the relationship matters more than being right. Make sure everyone in your household knows that by the time you get to screaming and yelling about it, you've passed your opportunity for resolution and likely need to physiologically calm down before there's a chance for resolution. Make it ok to walk away or take breaks in an argument with the caveat that we're not going to sweep this under the rug. Watch the FREE How to Not Get Stuck (in arguments that go nowhere) video for lots more on this :)
I'm doing all four of these imperfectly this week. But I'm doing them.
If you want a tool that helps your whole family practice all of this too — the Family Rules System costs less than takeout, lays out a chores system that doesn't suck while teaching your kids financial responsibility to boot, and the Ask Mika Parenting Chatbot is live for your immediate questions, so you won't be left hanging.
→ Check out all our online workshops here
Trying to keep cool…inside and out (it's one million degrees with one million percent humidity in St. Louis where I live),
