We Came Home to a Disaster
My husband and I went on a quick, last-minute trip this weekend and left our teens (mostly) by themselves.
If you're raising teens, you already know: they are brilliant and clueless at the exact same time. They can do advanced physics, but can't find the trash bags that have lived in the same place in the pantry for 4.5 years.
Lately, I've noticed how hard it is not to criticize mine. They're smart, capable, funny, insightful… and also somehow shocked every single time I show any sign of irritation that they've left behind a trail of trash and dishes.
And the self‑focus? Olympic level. It's developmentally normal, but wow, does it feel personal when you walk into your house after being out of town, and it looks like 3 Pig-Pens from the Peanuts stayed for the weekend.
My kids know better. “First rule of babysitting: LEAVE THE HOUSE BETTER THAN YOU FOUND IT," I drill into them before going on babysitting jobs. On more than one occasion, my kids have been hired to do odd jobs because of how they tidied and cleaned a house while babysitting after the kids went to bed. “Can you come over and just clean my kitchen??”
So, when we walked in to coats, socks, shoes, and other oddities strewn about the floor in the main areas, Saturday's dinner stuck to all the pans and still on the stove, surfaces littered with STUFF, a sink full of dishes, and art project chaos all over the family room, and not a single person's chores had been completed (which are due by Sunday at 4 pm) my first instinct was to say exactly what was screaming in my head: “Are you kidding me?!” And I did.
One kid sarcastically said, “JEEZ, WELCOME HOME.” To which my husband responded, “EXAAAAACTLYYY”.
I then took myself to the bathroom for a time-out, to start getting ready for bed, and to figure out how all of their mess wasn't going to impact me.
I know that criticism — even when it's accurate — rarely creates the behavior change we want, and all I wanted to do in that moment was teach everyone a lesson. Criticism just creates defensiveness, shame, and a power struggle. And honestly, I don't need more of those…especially at 10 pm on a Sunday.
So instead of continuing to unleash my inner courtroom prosecutor, we leaned on our Family Rules system. The expectations were already clear. The consequences were already established. All we had to do was… follow through.
No lecture. No dramatic sighing. No “Do you even see this mess?” monologue. Just: “Chores were not completed. Tomorrow, there'll be no phones, technology, or friends until chores and habit-builder cards are completed for not getting chores done on time."
Our chores include each kid picking up and deep-cleaning a specific zone of the house, so I didn't even mention the messes left behind because they'd be dealt with in the doing of the chores.
And you know what? It worked. Not magically, not perfectly, but calmly. And calm is a win.
Why Criticism Feels So Good (and Why It Backfires)
Criticism gives us the illusion of control. It's a quick hit of “I'm doing something about this chaos.” But it doesn't teach our kids (or anyone, for that matter) anything except how to tune us out.
What does work?
Clear expectations, standards, and boundaries
Predictable consequences
Following through without emotional fireworks
Letting the system do the talking so you don't have to
That's exactly why I created our Family Rules system — because I needed a way to parent without constantly narrating my disappointment.
A Small Challenge for This Week
When your kids inevitably do something that makes your brain short‑circuit, try this:
Pause.
Notice the urge to criticize.
Say less than you want to.
Let the rule or boundary speak for you.
It's not about being passive. It's about being effective and only saying what's necessary.
And if your house is currently a disaster, your kids are ignoring their chores, or you're one eye‑roll away from moving into a hotel… you're not alone. You're parenting.
And if you want help with rules, boundaries, consequences, and chores, check out our Family Rules, Chores, and Systems for Discipline Workshop for parents of kids 5+. It comes with our exact templates (Kara is talking about the Family Rules Chart below) to hit the ground running ASAP.
Also, you're probably doing better than you think. Parenting is HARD, even for people with degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy. My goal is for it not to be harder than necessary
You deserve happy relationships….and some dang respect around here! But, pssssst, respect happens when you respect yourself first with boundaries and clear expectations, not in waiting for other people to see your value and mind-read your needs, or in you angrily taking on more than you can chew because “if I don't do it, no one else will!”
It's 6 pm on Monday, and the house is put back together with minimal drama on my part, and me not doing more than my part.
The end.
