Being MEAN vs Being DIRECT – What’s the Difference?

Apr 21

Have you ever hesitated to say something—worried that honesty might come off as harsh?

Or perhaps you've been on the receiving end of "honesty" that felt more like criticism than clarity?

Here's the thing: being direct is not the same as being mean. In fact, clear communication is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other. But the difference lies in the intention, delivery, and impact.

🔹 Being Direct is about expressing thoughts clearly and efficiently without unnecessary cushioning. It's solution-focused, respectful, and grounded in mutual understanding. A real-life example is below.

❌ Being Mean, on the other hand, prioritizes emotional sting over clarity. It's dismissive, critical, and often leaves the other person feeling diminished rather than informed.

So, how do we strike the balance?

🤔 Real Life Example: When Older Relatives Say Not OK Things… Recently, while sitting around the day after an extended family event, an older male relative said to me and my girls, "It's just such a shame how HEAVY (insert female relative's name) has gotten. She has such a pretty face…if she would just…"

This is when I interjected with a CLEAR, but not lesson-teaching boundary.

❌ But first, let's cover the more MEAN (and justified?) things I could have said (I'm changing the relative's name to Rich):

1. "Look in a mirror, Rich. I don't think you have the right to comment on people's weight."

2. [Insert disgusted face] "What the hell, Rich?! That is SO rude. You can't say things like that!"

These both come from an intent of superiority—I'm right, you're wrong; I'm smart, you're stupid; I'm sane, you're crazy. These are often EASY to come up with, and reaching for clear, neutral, but firm communication takes a bit more energy and thought because we don't have many examples of this, and it doesn't make for interesting TV.

🔹 Instead, I said calmly and neutrally, with the same tone as I would speak to a toddler who had made a mistake (whoops!), "Rich, we don't make comments about other people's physical appearance." And when he continued, "But she's just so…." I interrupted and repeated my inarguable communication, "Rich, we don't make comments about other people's physical appearance."

Repetition is a really underrated part of clear communication and boundaries. This effectively shut down the interaction, and we moved on to another subject. My girls got to see me not condoning these kinds of comments AND how to do it respectfully.

WHY THIS WORKS - First, as I stated previously, the statement I made is inarguable. "We," as in me and those who live in my household, isn't the same as a broad-swept generalization about this kind of behavior being "wrong" or "not OK." Do I believe it's not OK? Yes, but getting into an argument and teaching this relative a lesson isn't the goal. The goal is to have an out-loud BOUNDARY about where MY LINE is. There's a BIG difference in communicating about YOUR LINE vs. THE LINE.

If I would have said it in an arguable way, this is what could have ensued:

"THAT is not OK!" with a WTF tone.

"Well, it's just the TRUTH."

"Sometimes, you should keep the "truth" to yourself."

"Geeze, everyone's so politically correct and SENSITIVE these days."

I would have festered about this for the rest of the day, especially from 3:00 to 5:00 AM.

This is a back-and-forth I do not want or am willing to have and why it is SO important to learn how to speak inarguably.

When we don't fully and effectively address conflict on the outside, we invite it INSIDE.

✅ The Keys to Direct (Yet Kind) Communication:

Intent matters. Ask yourself: Am I saying this to inform, improve, or connect? Or am I trying to prove a point or exert dominance?

Tone is everything. A straightforward message delivered with warmth is empowering. The same message with irritation or sarcasm? Not so much.

Consider impact. Will the person walk away with useful insight about how or how not to communicate with you in the future? Or will they leave feeling unnecessarily small?

Weirdly, being direct builds trust—it makes people feel safe because they know where they stand. Meanness erodes connection and leaves people guarded.

So go ahead—be bold, honest, and clear. Just make sure your words strike a balance between honesty and consideration and leave criticism at the door.

Easier said than done, right? If you'd like to master this skill, check out our Learn How to Fight Course. It could alternatively be called, “How to get through tough conversations without being a doormat OR a jerkface." It's usually $197 but is currently bundled with the rest of our workshops for $84 for 3 months access 😮 Not quite sure; the How to Not Get Stuck Workshop is FREE, and step one of the course. Check it out :)

You know, because you deserve happy relationships…and to sleep between 3:00 and 5:00 AM,