With This System, There’s No Need to Yell… or Repeat Yourself a 100 Times

Apr 28

This is a real-life parenting choose-your-own-adventure. Here's a recent (and embellished with dragon imagery) scene from our house, showing how having clear and direct communication and consistent and PRE-LAID-OUT boundaries set our interaction up for success and ease instead of DRAMA and a go-nowhere back-and-forth.

One Saturday, the teenager shuffled out of her room after just waking up. If you have a 17-year-old, maybe you, too, know this is not unlike a grumpy fire-breathing dragon emerging from its cave. This dragon has an ADHD diagnosis, and one of her features is impulsivity in the things that fall out of her mouth…especially with the people she loves the most.

She takes one look at the 12-year-old and says, "WHY are you WEARING THAT?" with a look of disgust.

Before the 12-year-old can respond, I say with an upbeat tone, "Whoop! Judgmental why question. That's cards, girl." You see, in our house, we have rules about how you communicate with people, and this rule concerns disguising criticism as a question.

"I CAN SEE HER…" Before she can say "butt cheeks," I interrupt, "KAHKAHKAH!! I don't want you to get more cards!" - my tone goes up at the end of the sentence.

Smoke furls from the dragon's mouth as she releases an "Ugggghhh" signaling defeat…or just a willingness to end the conflict. "How many cards is it?"

"I don't know, check the Family Rules," I say in a totally friendly tone.

Because we use exactly what's inside the Family Rules, Chores, and Systems for Discipline Workshop, it's all predetermined, and I'm not flying off the handle in the moment delivering consequences I can't follow-through on.

There is no need to yell.

She shuffles across the room and grabs the giant mason jar out of the pantry where we store the Family Rules document, a living and ever-changing document where we lay out our family's rules and consequences, and finds rule number 6:

Treat people and animals with respect (e.g., no verbal or physical abuse of others).

No name-calling, mocking, or judgmental questions, "Why are you wearing that?"

Next to this rule, under the Good Habit Cards column, is the number 10. Good Habit Cards are folded-up pieces of paper in the jar with things to be completed before you get your privileges back. They include things like "clean the microwave," "walk the dog for 10 minutes," and "play a game with a sibling."

"TEN CARDS?!!" she says giggling in disbelief, "MOOOMMM!”

I respond, "Ten cards?? I thought it was gonna be like TWO."

"Me too, what the hell?" she says, deflated and frustrated with her outcome, not me. Once kids reach a certain age, I don't have rules against swearing in general, but there are rules about swearing at people.

"Do I really have to do TEN CARDS?" she says.

"Yep, sorry girl. That does seem like a lot, though. I'll consider changing it, but you've got ten this time."

The magical thing about this system is that if used consistently, you start to barely need it. We hadn't pulled the jar out of the pantry in WEEKS.

And, please notice, I got to be ON HER SIDE. Consequences were delivered without JUDGMENT, CRITICISM, SHAME, or a side dish of me being HIGHLY IRRITATED and DISGUSTED with her behavior. I didn't have to repeat myself, teach her a wordy lesson, or have a back-and-forth that goes nowhere and elevates my heartbeats per minute.

What could have easily happened in an alternate universe where we didn't have a system and clear boundaries in place?

Teen: "Why are you WEARING THAT?"

Me: "Hey, that's not nice. It's just her jammies; she's not leaving the house."

Teen: "You know what's NOT NICE??? [insert all the sass 🔥] My eyeballs having to see her BUTT CHEEKS. I can't believe you let her wear that."

Me: "This is NOT YOUR BUSINESS."

Teen: "WELL, it SHOULD be YOUR BUSINESS."

Me: "GO TO YOUR ROOM!!"

Teen: "WHY should I HAVE TO GO TO MY ROOM?! She's the one dressed inappropriately!!"

You know…just two dragons breathing fire 🔥 on a Saturday morning with a 12-year-old in the crossfire while one wonders where she went wrong in the parenting department with this "LEADER" of a child.

So, which adventure are you choosing? If you have elementary+ kids and would like to choose the first one, we have outlined every step and provided every tool in the Family Rules, Chores, and Systems for Discipline Workshop. You'll get an exact copy of our family rules and good habit cards.

It's SO much more than a ridiculously clear parenting plan, it's also a masterclass in boundaries and teaching people how to treat you (big or small)…without being a jerk about it.

Boundaries don't have to be bitchy,