Conflict gets a bad rap, but when done really well it's actually highly positively correlated with relational satisfaction and ratings of emotional AND physical intimacy.
"WHAT?! That thing that I'm not supposed to do in front of the kids is actually GOOD for my relationship?"
Well, not exactly.
When conflict is done really well it doesn't include acting out on other people in anger: yelling, name calling, passive aggression, threats, blame, criticism, or becoming otherwise emotionally abrasive. SO, I tell people - if you're moving through conflict in a way that you can't do in front of the kids, it's probably not something you want to be doing in your relationship. Period.
This does not, IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM, mean I recommend you start sweeping your wants and needs under the rug in an effort to avoid the uncomfortable interaction. In my family of origin we either screamed and yelled about it or swept our wants and needs under the rug - neither of which I want to model for my kids. I understand intimately how sweeping wants and needs under the rug can slowly and sneakily poison relationships from the inside out like a slow-growing cancer.
There is another way.
Get stuck in conflict? Leave the interaction feeling worse not better? Arguing about the same thing over and over again? Feel like emotional and physical intimacy are declining over time? It's so easy to get here.
CONFLICT SUCKS. Keep scrolling for lots of helpful resources, including more information on a layered, sequential, research-based mini-course I've developed to help you sail through conflict with ease. I've been using it in my practice with couples for over 6 years with much success. It even includes a literal map to help you get through conflict (not kidding). Check it out at www.mikaross.com/conflict-online
Relatables: Episode 39
A few weeks ago I was asked this GREAT question by a client: How do we move forward in a conflict if we can't agree on the facts?? We've all been stuck here before...it looks something like:
Yes, you did.
NO, I didn't.
YES, you did.
NO I DIDN'T!
YES YOU DID!!!!
Please, for the love, watch the video. You deserve happy relationships,
Want more? Check out the FREE Training for Busy Couples and for more specific info on how to not get stuck in conflict check out the Conflict Sucks Online Course.