Don’t Sweep it Under the Rug

Apr 7

"I'm mad at you."

This is how I started our 8 AM Saturday coffee date over barista-made lattes.

I know it's nearly impossible to communicate tone with words, but please know that this was said like one would say an interesting P.S., not with the venom of a thousand snakes.

Like, "P.S. - Did you know turtles breathe through their butts?"

I had realized over the course of a few weeks that something had been bothering me…and it was getting in the way of our relationship.

This ONE thing was getting in the way of me having more patience, giving more benefit of the doubt, and wanting to be physically affectionate.

Let the snip-snappy-ness begin. We were starting to feel more like enemies and less like friends and partners.

That's all it took - one thing.

It's not often that I don't realize how much something bothers me in the moment, but despite 2 decades of training, it still happens sometimes.

Long story short, a few weeks prior, we faced a big decision and discussed options. I felt like I was clear that I WAS NOT OK with moving forward with one of the options. Then, Eric proceeded to talk to someone about moving forward with that option.

Say what, now?

I felt disregarded, in the dark, not considered, and not respected…in a big way.

I even paraphrased when I realized he had had this chat, "So, I said I WAS NOT OK with it, and you moved forward anyway?" He, in a nutshell, said "yes," but I learned at coffee this Saturday that his YES had meant that he talked more about it but didn't actually move through with it.

"Oh, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT??!"

"I don't know! I thought it was implied that I wouldn't do it without your consent."

We had miscommunicated.

We'd spent WEEKS with an unresolved issue under our relationship rug that didn't even need to be there.

And just like that (poof), the resentment, irritation, and frustration were gone…kinda like the stellar latte art after the first few sips.

Seriously, how do they do that ART??

We were friends again.

I say at least 450 times per week to clients, "assume miscommunication always," and "there's always a win-win resolution." The beliefs that miscommunication is RIDICULOUSLY easy and that neither of you has to sweep your wants, needs, and feelings under the rug will have you taking the next best step…even if it's just saying how you feel.

You don't have to be clear about what you need to START the conversation. Forget the "I feel X when you do Y in Z situation." I've found it's too complicated and often elicits defensiveness in the listener…likely the "YOU DO Y" part. It tends to sound like, "I feel X, and it's YOUR fault."

Is "I'm mad at you" your next best step? It depends on how much you have under that relationship rug and your history of hard conversations getting from anger, frustration, and irritation TO a resolution.

The more unresolved issues you have under there, the closer you'll be living to that fight-or-flight response, and the quicker you'll be to pick up your proverbial sword and/or shield and enter the attack/defense style of communication that goes nowhere good.

If you have a history of not often getting to resolutions, you'll TRUST that this will ALSO be the case this time.

If this all sounds familiar, your next step might be, "I have a lot of resentment…probably because I don't know how to bring up things that bother me in a way that goes well. I don't want to have resentment. I don't want to have a wall up for you. I'm working on that. I'm going to start bringing things up when I'm at a 2 out of 10 on the anger/frustration/irritation scale instead of an 8, 9, or 10 out of 10, OK?"

This clears up your intent AND sets the stage for you to be perceived without the poop-colored lense of the past. Because the history of the relationship is a HUGE part of non-verbal communication, as your relationship gets better and better…. you'll need a whole lot fewer words, and "I'm mad at you" could suffice.

If you have trouble getting from anger, frustration, and irritation all the way to a resolution and feel like you have unresolved issues under your relationship rug getting in the way, check out our Learn How to Fight Course with or without your partner. It's usually $197, but is currently $84 for 3-months access AND comes with every other workshop we offer.

I promise it will change the way you argue and have you feeling less like roommates (or enemies).

You deserve happy relationships,