Is It OK If We Don’t Sleep in the Same Bed?

While out to dinner with a new friend last week, she leaned over the table and quietly said, "I have a question: Is it okay if we don't sleep in the same bed?" 

"This isn't my first marriage, and I don't want to screw it up," she laughed.

Years ago, I remember seeing Dr. Phil on the television proclaim, with what seemed like utmost certainty, that couples not sleeping in the same bed are HEADED FOR DIVORCE. 

This night at dinner, I looked at my new friend and reminded her that she's the expert about her own marriage…not me, and not some "expert" on TV who's never met her. I shrugged and said, "Is it working for you both?" 

After working deeply with couples and individuals for almost 20 years, I don't pretend to know what's best for them. Different things work for different people and relationships. 

Now, some things we know generally work and are supported by research, like HOW we communicate, for example. 

Basically, in relationships, we've gotta communicate allll the the way to those win-win resolutions without getting lost or stuck in the attack/defense cycle. Ideally, we want resolutions that feel good for each of you and get YOUR needs met AND YOUR PARTNER'S needs met. 

WHAT MIGHT THAT LOOK LIKE IN THE BED DEPARTMENT? AKA, the VERY strange win-win resolution we found to both get a good night's rest:

When we had kids, I went from being what felt like the hardest sleeper on the planet to the lightest sleeper on the planet. I used to be able to sleep anytime, anywhere, and through anything. But it turns out having a niece pass away at 3 months old, a few years before you have your first child, will really have you on edge. 

Before my first was born, I had NO IDEA that my husband rolled over in the middle of the night like a WHALE, literally breaching above the bed and slamming down, causing a goddamn earthquake. I might be exaggerating, but this is my newsletter, and I can do what I want ;-) 

After I had my first kid, I would startle awake, heart beating through my chest, every time my husband moved….and it turns out he moves A LOT when he sleeps. 

Between the breaching husband and night feeding the baby, I was a disaster. 

No one is surprised by the recent NIH study that confirms a single night of poor sleep can make you 60% more reactive to negative emotions.

Duh.

Let's just say that sleeping in the same bed was not working for us.

I did not mind sleeping in separate quarters. I was a better human, and the relationship suffered less. I was clear that what we did in the hours we weren't fully conscious didn't mean anything about the relationship or how I felt about my husband. 

My husband, probably feeling like less of a priority in many ways, especially in the physical touch and intimacy department, couldn't shake the feeling that sleeping in close proximity did mean something to him. 

Instead of getting stuck in the "It means something" / "It doesn't mean anything" argument (because both were true in this case), I started to think about win-win solutions. 

At the time, commercials for Tempur-Pedic mattresses were everywhere. One commercial featured a lady jumping on one end of the bed while a glass of red wine remained unfazed on the corner of the bed. 

I was convinced this was our win-win solution. 

At the Tempur-Pedic store, I laid on the left side of the mattress, closed my eyes, and said, "Okay, do the whale thing," and my husband flopped.

My heart sank, "I can still feel it."

We moved around the store's beds with the same experiment and, unfortunately, the same result.

A few weeks later, we saw a Sleep Number commercial. It looked like one bed could have two different firmness settings. Maybe this was our answer?

We headed to the Sleep Number Store with our toddler, excited and hopeful that THIS would work. I laid down, and he flopped. "I can still feel it." The salesperson stepped away to help another customer, and we walked around the rest of the store bummed.

At the back, I saw what appeared to be two twin mattresses on a king-sized bed frame. The price was out of our budget; it was the adjustable mattress that could raise and lower each side independently—like a hospital bed, but cooler.

I gasped, "Lie down." My husband took one look at the price tag and was like, "NO WAY."  I said, "COME ON! Just try it! Do the whale thing." He did, and this time I felt nothing.

The sales guy came back, and I asked, "How much is this one WITHOUT the adjustable base?"

He looked at me like I was insane. "You want two mattresses on one frame WITHOUT the adjustable base???"

"Yes."

"I don't even think we can sell them like that."

"I bet you can…."

Long story short, if you pull back our ridiculously fluffy duvet, you'll see two twin-sized mattresses with separate blankets on one king frame. The duvet is just for show. His mattress is firmer, my blanket is warmer, and we've never slept better…together.

Top sheets? Forget about them. 

And now I look at those old-timey photos of married people's bedrooms with two twin beds and think, "Man, they really had things figured out back then." 🤣

I'm sure there are no less than seven other ways to come to a win-win resolution about not sleeping "together" that would entail figuring out what it means to the person who doesn't like it, a validating conversation about what they're afraid of, and how we're going to get that person those things in a way that works for both parties. Maybe it includes two Sleep Number beds on one frame, and maybe it doesn't. 

You're the expert on YOU and YOUR relationship.

All I know is that you deserve happy relationships…
and a good night's rest….
and win-win resolutions, 

P.S. - This blog was not sponsored by Tempur-Pedic or Sleep Number 😂

P.P.S. - I understand I make getting on the same page and to win-win resolutions sound easier than it is. The truth is, it's not rocket science, but old habits can be hard to break. It just some awareness about what's not working and learning some new patterns of interaction that don't land you in the same fights on repeat.  

Below are our online workshops that address some of the most common areas I find couples have a hard time getting on the same page about. If you click on any of these, you'll also see our FREE communication training, How to Not Get Stuck.