Loneliness Epidemic
I'm lonely, but I don't feel ashamed of it. Here's why…
In 2023, the Surgeon General released an 82-page report on the epidemic of loneliness and isolation in the United States.
I highly doubt one mental health professional was surprised.
But WHY?! Why are so many people lonely in the U.S.?
Even my teens long for more connection. One of my daughters was watching a show yesterday and said, "Awww, I wish I had a girl group," as a gaggle of 4 friends on the TV tried out perfumes together.
I said, "What about [insert 3 friends' names]"?
"I mean, yeah, but we rarely see each other. We don't live close to each other, and we're always working."
"Always working" might mean "our free time doesn't align very often"…cuz I know this kid isn't "always working".
Nonetheless, my heart sank…again. My kids' loneliness kills me.
Just make more plans! Invite people over more, right?
In the Fall of 2023, I stumbled across a video where an urbanist breaks down how our built environments play a significant role in the loneliness epidemic in the United States. If you have 3 minutes, it's worth a watch. The first time I watched this video was just after I had been to coffee with 2 girlfriends, and we were like, "Let's do this AGAIN! Like, regularly!" Everyone agreed. One said, "How often?" and I was like, "Once a week!"…and they laughed.
Apparently, once-a-week coffee is too much for these gals who grew up here and have family nearby…got it. My husband and I aren't from St. Louis, and let me tell ya, breaking into long-standing groups is weirdly hard here. In a city with very few transplants, many people, it seems, aren't necessarily looking for connection.
Despite being a little embarrassed, I trudged on in the conversation where we tried to find a date for the 3 of us for another coffee. This was proving difficult. So, we added the option of a happy hour. Finally, we landed on a date six weeks out and put it in the calendars.
You wanna take bets on if this meetup actually occurred? Keep reading to find out. I bet the suspense is killing you.
The next day, I was WhatsApping my friend Alejandra in Spain. Ale (Ah-lay) was our au pair in 2012 for a year, when our youngest was born. Sounds expensive, but it was cheaper than having three kids in not-high-end daycare three days a week, because part of an au pair's payment is room and board. She came to the U.S. to improve her English after graduating with her master's in Architecture in Madrid, and she was only six years younger than me.
A 26-year-old au pair (older than typical) sounded lovely…and it was. She very quickly became family. My husband, Ale, and I all cried buckets when she left. She wasn't just our foreign exchange nanny, she is now our sister and great friend. There was a period of a couple of months when we were all trying to figure out how she could stay beyond her year-long au pair term, but it proved to be impossible.
Long story short, we remain close. We have visited Ale and stayed with her family in their cortijo (a traditional village house; they have city houses, too) in Spain three times over the years and are heading to her sister's wedding in the south of Spain in October. It's all as dreamy as it sounds. Ale visits us often, too.
LIVING or even just STAYING with a family in another country is a life-changing experience I wish everyone could have. It's so different than visiting as a tourist; you get to immerse yourself in the culture in ways that are hard to explain.
Anyway, while WhatsApping my Spanish sister from another mister after landing on a date 6 weeks out at the coffee shop with my 2 friends, I asked, "Does this happen in Spain?"
I had an inkling that the back-and-forth difficulty that we find normal here in the United States was not, in fact, normal everywhere.
She said, "NEVER. That is not a thing here. That is CRAZY."
Besides just having far less of a hustle culture, Spain has built-in time and space for connection. Connecting most days of the week with people outside your household is assumed, the environments are built for it (see the 3 minute video I recommended above) and friends and acquaintances bump into you in the squares, while getting cheap as hell tapas at your favorite child-friendly place everyday, and on the streets as you walk to and from most destinations.
She said it's more like, "What are you doing in 15 minutes? Or tomorrow?" Scheduling playdates is far less common.
I asked, "WHY does it not happen??"
She said, "Because Thursdays are for friends and beer, Fridays are for friends and beer, Saturdays are for friends and beer, and Sundays are for FAMILY and beer."
Before you judge them all alcoholics, the drinking culture is very different, too…they may sip on 2 4-7 oz. beers all night long.
I've learned that Spaniards are “en la calle” (in the street) more than we are because of their walkable built environments that support their culture and connection.
You're hard-pressed to find a drive-through coffee place in her city. When she lived with us, she looked at me one day buzzing through the house with my lidded on-the-go coffee cup in hand and said, "Why do you do that with your coffee? Go from room to room to room??" I hadn't ever considered doing something else. It wasn't until I visited her and realized to-go coffee really isn't a thing. In Spain, you sit with your coffee...because coffee is meant for relaxation and connection. I came home and threw away all of our to-go coffee cups and created rituals of relaxation and connection around our cups of joe.
I won't even go into the 2+-hour lunches; that could be a whole other email.
Community, connection, and friendship is built-in to the culture literally and figuratively in ways that are hard for the American mind to comprehend. The closest thing I can compare it to in my lived experience is life at a university: high population density, common eating spaces, mixed-use buildings, a small, self-functioning city within a city, where everyone has so much time to connect.
If making and keeping friends feels like a lot of freaking work, it's because for many in the United States, it is. Sprawled-out suburbs with dwindling third spaces (explained in the video) and our hustle and all-the-extracurricular-activity culture make making new friends and staying connected with current friends (less bumping into people organically) a lot more work than it is in other parts of the world.
So, all of that to say, maybe it's not you? Maybe this is just hard.
Shake off that no-one-likes-me, everybody-hates-me, guess-I'll-go-eat-worms perspective and let's get to work (literally...because it's a lot of work). It's easier to be lonely here than it isn't. The more you feel ashamed about this subject, the less you'll want to put yourself out there and take action. Listen, I have 94k+ people who “like” me on the internet, but I still struggle to have regular plans. This isn't about likability, I promise.
🧠 Why Loneliness Is Unhealthy (some motivation)
Loneliness isn't just a feeling—it's a public health concern. Chronic loneliness has been linked to:
Increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and dementia
Higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidality
Weakened immune function and disrupted sleep
A shortened lifespan—comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
It affects people across all demographics, but especially young adults (the 20s is the loneliest decade), older adults, and those in marginalized or low-income communities.
🌱 Tips to Feel Less Lonely (AKA, working with what we have)
Become a regular somewhere and prioritize just bumping into people: Even brief eye contact or small talk can boost mood and reduce isolation. Pick a coffee shop to work at or a place to workout where you'll see the same folks every week.
Join interest-based groups: Book clubs, hiking groups, pickleball clubs, or volunteer organizations can help build meaningful relationships with like-minded people.
Limit passive tech use: Reduce time spent scrolling and increase intentional communication. I use the One Sec app to schedule chunks of time offline and generally keep this in check for myself.
Get outside: Outdoor activities can improve mental health and create opportunities for casual connection.
Reach out vulnerably: Let someone know you're feeling disconnected—it often opens the door for deeper connection. You'd be surprised how often I hear that people wish their friendships were different, and I worry that shame keeps people from talking about it and reaching out for support and connection.
Expect this to feel like work: If it feels like work, it's not because you're not worthy of belonging and connection…. it's because it is a lot of work to remain in connection.
Convince your 4 very good friends who moved out of state to COME BACK. Okay, this one is mostly a joke, but, MAN, do I have a propensity to make friends with people who ultimately leave St. Louis. On that note, how about we schedule weekend visits with your out-of-town people quarterly? How does that sound? Heading to the low-fare calendar now 😉
Have I mentioned that Spain is smaller than Texas? So, being very expensive plane tickets away from friends and family doesn't happen like it does here.
You deserve happy relationships...and coffee while sitting….with friends a few days a week would be IDEAL.
Oh, did the next coffee/happy hour meetup happen? NO 😂 It was cancelled with no future plans made. We met again briefly after that, but haven't since. It's been over a year, I think. This is no one's fault…it's just a lot of work: we all have kids of different ages going in different directions, and the back-and-forth of making plans exhausts me. Also, I stink at making plans. Could I try more? Yes, but sometimes I long for a life where connection comes with less work and less planning. Thank goodness I like my husband 😅
But, seriously, who wants to go to Spain? Group trip?
P.S. I have no smooth transition today into reminding you that we have online workshops that help you to have great relationships…once you get those people in the door 😂 So, I'm just going to drop a link here in case you want to check them out: www.mikaross.com/workshops. One that is insanely popular right now is the Family Rules, Chores, and Systems for Discipline Workshop.
