ADHD + Relationships
Do you have someone in your life with ADHD?
We do! One of my favorite people on the planet, our daughter, had a late-ish diagnosis at the age of 13. It's kind of embarrassing to say that as a mental health professional; how did I not see it?
Well, it turns out ADHD is complex, looks different from person to person, presents differently in men and women (boys and girls), and is so much more than what I was taught in school.
I thought of ADHD as a disorder that just impacts productivity and looks like disruptive boys in a classroom. It's SO much more than that.
Since her diagnosis, I've learned a concerning amount about ADHD that they didn't teach us in school. Weirdly, some very common features (that impact relationships especially) aren't even included in the DSM diagnostic criteria…which, at least for this professional, led to some pretty big blind spots.
Hindsight is 20/20, but I'd like to help people and professionals have less of it and make far fewer mistakes than I did. We have two FREE resources for you on this topic, and the newest is this 9-page guide for parents. It contains what I blurt out over coffee with a friend whose kid has just been diagnosed.
Just add coffee…cuz it's a lot.
Since my daughter's diagnosis, I've learned a lot of weird ways ADHD might impact relationships. This list is not exhaustive:
🥊 QUICK TO DEFEND in close relationships: High sensitivity and living closer to their fight or flight response can add up to being quick to defend to perceived criticism.
🗣️ SOUND RAGE: ADHDers might be particularly sensitive to sound. How dare you chew so loud with your mouth closed! What were you thinking?
🤬 BIG FEELINGS: People with ADHD often report having BIG FEELINGS and a quickness to anger and irritability. I might hear partners say they “go from 0-100” and “I don’t know which version of him I’m gonna get.”
🧱 RIGID/INFLEXIBLE: Being flexible might not be ADHDers strong suit. If the shirt they want to wear is in the laundry, they’re not going to the party….at least not before throwing a laundry-tantrum first.
🕳️ ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING might lead to feeling like they are a total failure if they’re not the absolute best…but also like others are the worst if they don’t meet their expectations.
😭 REJECTION SENSITIVITY DYSPHORIA: Google it. What there is to know about this doesn't fit into a bullet point. It can be paralyzing if we aren’t aware of it.
🤗 PERFECTIONISM: In an effort to protect themselves from perceived rejection, or from not being the worst, ADHDers can slide onto the slippery no-win slope of attempting to be perfect.
🍺 SUBSTANCE ABUSE: People with ADHD are more likely to experience issues with substance abuse…likely to numb all those big feelings.
But ADHD is not a relationship kiss of death…
There are also a whole list of PROs to being in relationship with someone with ADHD. Our daughter keeps us rolling with laughter 🤣 In fact, I believe ADHDers have a relationship superpower, but you'll have to tune in to our other FREE resource, the How to Talk About It podcast episode on ADHD and Relationships, and listen alllll the way til the end to find out what that is.
I believe knowledge is power when it comes to ADHD relationship struggles and the more we know about how our and our partner's brains 🧠 work and how they might be diverse or just different, the better.
TUNE IN to this podcast episode 👇 🎧
P.S. - If any of these struggles sound familiar, below are some great options for next steps in having a more peaceful home with less chaos, frustration, and yelling. The first one on the left is free :)
