One of my really good friends called me recently and was having a little freak out about her daughter being relationally bullied at school. This kid was leaving her daughter out of play, calling her names, and generally just not being very nice.
The big problem was, my friend's 7-year-old daughter couldn't stand it! She would come home tearful and upset, wonder out-loud how she could get this kid to like her, and my friend was at her wits end trying to convince her daughter that she was enough, and "WHO CARES IF THIS KID LIKES YOU!!!"
Easier said than done, right?....even for adults. We all have the "I'm not __________ enough" thoughts.
"Ok, so I think she needs counseling and maybe my husband and I, too....I mean you're my friend and I haven't really been a big fan of therapy in the past, but I've been watching your videos and reading your stuff....and, you're different. So we all just start coming for therapy, because maybe it's her, and maybe it's us, and maybe we need to learn to help her more....."
I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa....wait a minute. We can surely do all of that, but I'm going to send you this video first. I'm not going to explain it a whole lot, but I just want you to watch it with her....Then we'll go from there."
I'm quite certain my friend was confused and bewildered.
What I knew needed to happen was a mindset shift about worthiness....for everyone involved. Focusing on merely changing behaviors wasn't going to cut it ("stop caring!"). She wanted me to tell them what to DO...I knew I had to change her daughter's mind about worth.
Because here's the belief underneath caring if someone doesn't like you: "If I were enough, she would like me." This also buys into the fact that your value can be outside of you; in Facebook likes, invitations received, money in your bank account, the grade you got on that paper, if your husband has been faithful, etc.
It seemed like mom was wondering if she was enough, too: "If I was a good enough parent, she wouldn't be having this problem."
As long as we perceive our value to be attached to external circumstances, we will be on an emotional roller coaster.
Here's the video I sent...It's of a chat with my then 3-year-old son. On this day he told me, "I just don't love myself," and I was challenged to explain the oh-so-big concept of worthiness being an inside job in a way that even he could understand.
If you've ever wondered if you were enough, this video is for you.
My friend said her daughter, "just got it! It was amazing! And it's FREE!" And apparently even my friend's mom (who was also dealing with a not-so-nice friend) got something out of it, too.
AND IT'S SO DANG CUTE!!!!!
You got this!
And, when in doubt, watch Stuart Smalley videos, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and DOGGONE IT, people like me."
PS - If you haven't signed up for my FREE webinar yet there's still time! What's a webinar? It's like a seminar you can participate in from the comfort of your own jammies. All you need is a computer. 5 Cancerous Things in Your Marriage....and How to Treat Them Before They Kill Your Relationship happens June 4. To join us (when I say "us' I mean me and the 304 people already registered) just CLICK HERE to register.