“Mom, I've NEVER even done cocaine." (WHAT?!) Or how to raise kids who make good choices when you're not looking.
Hey, so this starts off a little wild,
A few weeks ago, my college freshman looked at me completely deadpan and said:
“Mom, you really have it easy. I’ve NEVER EVEN DONE COCAINE.”
As if this were the baseline metric for being a good kid.
“WOW. Congratulations?”
She followed it up by listing the people she knows who have done it or do it regularly.
And then she referenced her siblings and how they, too, “aren’t afraid to not do what everybody else is doing,” as if that’s just something teens say.
It's true, my 8th grader has quietly distanced herself from an entire friend group because they’re doing things that wouldn't have even OCCURED TO ME in the 8th grade, and my son would rather have a couple of good friends than hang out with “jerks” or people doing “stupid stuff.”
I’ve been sitting with all of this — not in a smug way, not in a “my kids are perfect” way — but in a how did we get here? way.
What creates kids who think for themselves, aren't afraid to be different, and who choose discomfort in the moment rather than sign up for long-term bad choices or groups of friends that look good, but don't feel good?
I think, at the very least, a big goal of mine was to raise kids who can think. There are, it turns out, pros and cons to this, BELIEVE ME.
These kids are likely not peaking in high school. This…has its own v stressful drawbacks, like having to worry about whether they'll have a group to go to the dance with this year or not.
And this isn't about “good kids” and “bad kids” either.
People love to assume that kids who stay out of trouble are just “good kids.
But I don’t buy that.
My kids aren’t avoiding trouble because they’re obedient or scared of consequences. They’re avoiding trouble because they have:
internal boundaries
a sense of self
the ability to tolerate being different
practice thinking ahead
permission to say no
a parent who talks to them like they’re capable (most of the time)
They’re not performing goodness (like I did in High School….telling my mom I was spending the night at "Sarah's", but really spending the night stumbling through an empty field with a bottle of Boone's Strawberry Hill in hand). They’re practicing competence.
As a Parent, I Don’t Ban Things. I Build Plans.
This one might be up for debate. You do you, boo.
Here’s the part that surprises people: I don’t forbid parties. I don’t forbid drinking. I don’t forbid situations where teens have to make choices. My mom did that… it just led me to lie A LOT.
Instead, I ask things like:
Do you think there will be alcohol there?
What’s your plan?
What's your limit?
Where's your line?
What’s your exit strategy?
How will you decline something without shaming the other person?
And yes, I absolutely give them scripts.
If someone offers them something they don’t want — alcohol, weed, cocaine — I tell them:
“Blame me. Tell them your mom is a psycho and drug tests you randomly.”
(It’s a lie. I mean, I'm not above drug testing randomly…I just haven't had the need to, I guess. But it gets them out of the moment without adding social pressure.)
This is the part parents underestimate: Scripts don’t control kids. Scripts equip kids.
So how do you raise confident, capable, competent kids?
I wish I were entirely sure, and I wish I could point you to one thing.
But it’s not one conversation. It’s not one rule. It’s not one moment.
It’s a culture you build over years.
Here’s what I think has mattered most in our house:
1. Chores → Competence
I know…it feels like a reach, but research backs me up here. An 80-year longitudinal study at Harvard found that chores and a warm environment were strong predictors of adult “success,”…which we now translate to:
competence (I can do things)
self‑efficacy (my actions have impact)
and confidence (I trust myself to handle things)
Kids who feel capable at home feel more capable out in the world.
2. Communication → Trust
I TOLD MY MOM NOTHING. ZIP. ZILCH. NADA. I knew she'd freak. I knew she couldn't handle it. I knew I'd be relegated to my room for the rest of my High School years.
Kids talk to parents who don’t freak out.
I don’t moralize. I don’t shame. I don’t catastrophize. But I'm not fake either. If I'm stressed about them heading into a party where they know there will be alcohol, they know it…and then we talk through it.
I stay curious. I ask questions. I help them think.
When kids trust you with the truth, you get to help them shape their choices.
3. Autonomy → Internal Compass
I’m not raising kids who obey. I’m raising kids who decide.
That’s why they can walk away from bad friends. That’s why they can say no to drugs. That’s why they can be the “only one not doing it” without collapsing…I think.
I'm feeling like I need to knock on a very large piece of wood, rn.
4. Practice → Confidence
We rehearse the hard stuff.
Awkward conversations. Peer pressure moments. Exit strategies. Boundary‑setting.
Confidence isn’t a personality trait. It’s a skill you build through repetition.
The Real Truth
I don’t have it easy, and I MESS UP ALL THE TIME.
And, for the most part, I think I have kids who trust themselves. I have kids who have a few good friends. I am so grateful that I feel like I can trust them.
And that’s the work. Not perfection. Not control. Not fear.
Just raising humans who can think in the wild — and know they can always come home and tell me the truth.
I love and LIKE my teens. High School and everything that comes with it?? Not so much.
Ok, going to go knock on a v large piece of timber now…
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