Parenting Teens 😫😅
If you’ve been following along on social media lately, you know I’ve been talking a lot about teens — not the glossy, brochure version of adolescence, but the real, messy human version. The one where your kid is doing advanced math one minute, melting down the next, and then asking which floor room 611 is on at your hotel (wtf).
And here’s the throughline in all of it:
Teens don’t need perfect parents. They need steady parents in this neurologically and developmentally tumultuous time.
Here are a few themes I’ve been talking about lately…
1. Lower/appropriate expectations aren’t giving up — they’re regulating the room
Whether you’re traveling with teens or just trying to get through a Tuesday, the fastest way to reduce conflict is to lower the emotional pressure.
Not low standards. Not low care. Just lower expectations for perfection, seamless transitions, or constant good moods.
If you're having a hard time understanding the now grumpy and sullen kid in your house, check out this free video I used to show my graduate students when I taught Human Growth and Development. It's old, but really helpful in terms of understanding what's “normal” for these years - Frontline: Inside the Teenage Brain
2. Logical and natural consequences > yelling your face off
Every parent has had that moment — the broken item, the slammed door, the impulsive decision that costs money or time or both.
Yelling feels instinctive. But it rarely teaches anything. Teens don't learn from lectures, they learn from immediate consequences.
In our Family Rules System logical and natural consequences do the heavy lifting:
You break it → you fix it
You damage it → you contribute to the cost
But my question with natural consequences has always been…what if the natural consequence isn't deterring enough?
For example, my teens don't particularly care about having a great relationship with their siblings right now, so if they damage the relationship or really hurt each other, the natural consequences doesn't seem to deter them from saying, “what's wrong with your eyebrows 😒 ?,” next time. Especially my ADHDer.
The Family Rules System sturdies you with rules like, “If someone can't change something about their appearance in 30 seconds, we don't comment on it," and logical consequences kids want to avoid that don't include yelling or corporal punishment.
You mess up → you repair the relationship (usually, not sincerely) and grab some habit-builder cards while you're at it
The Family Rules System shifts the focus from punishment to accountability — and teens respond to that with far less defensiveness and far more maturity. Plus, they learn real-world communication skills that will benefit them for decades to come AND we include a chores system and financial framework that teaches them financial responsibility and keeps you from being a 24-hour ATM.
3. Simple rules create safety (even when teens act like they hate them)
The rules don’t have to be complicated to be effective. In our home, it’s things like:
Bedtimes still exist and are clear
Chores before technology and friends
Swearing ABOUT things is fine; swearing AT people is not (once you hit 9th grade)
“But what if they don't follow the rules??” THAT's where the discipline without drama and plan for action everyone's on the same page about comes in.
These aren’t about control. They’re about predictability — which is the nervous system’s love language.
When teens know the boundaries, they feel safer. When parents enforce them consistently, everyone feels calmer.
4. You’re not an ATM — and that’s a good thing
One of the biggest sources of conflict with teens is money.
The constant asks.
The impulse purchases.
The “it’s only $12” moments that add up fast.
A Family Rules System helps you shift from reactive to proactive:
Parents fund needs
Teens fund wants
Teens earn money
Teens manage money
Teens learn limits
It’s not harsh.
It’s preparation for adulthood.
And it dramatically reduces the emotional load on parents….and the amount of times you're badgered by text pings while in the middle of something to send them money RIGHT NOW.
Navigating the teenage years is a wild ride even when you have degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy. I don't know how y'all are doing it without one! Inside the Family Rules Workshop I share exactly what we do and how we do it in terms of parenting. This was not on my bingo card…I WORK WITH COUPLES!
But, it turns out, parenting can be incredibly draining on a marriage, partnership, and family if we're not on the same page and we don't have a system. I started sharing this system with couples in my practice years ago and they were mind-blown by the success.
I kinda was, too. I'm glad a few of them encouraged me to share online in a bigger way. My job is ridiculously rewarding.
Seriously happy to help,
