Are Women NAGS, or…….????
Are women nags, or does the shit roll downhill? ["Downhill from WHERE, Mika?" Find out in this week's podcast epiosde ;-)].
Are all men nincompoops who are incapable of doing ANYTHING up to snuff (folding towels, loading a dishwasher, disciplining the kids without yelling, etc.), or are they set up to fail?
This is what I call the caricature of marriage: women are critical nags, and men are incompetent nincompoops, right?
I mean, this is what I saw in my parents' marriage….and I SWORE I'd never end up there.
But we totally did.
About 18 months into parenthood, I was pregnant with our 2nd when my husband asked, "Is tonight bath night?" (how dare he!) and I lost my shit.
"HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW IF IT'S BATH NIGHT??! WHY do I have to tell you what to do, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST KNOW???!!
We were about to have two kids under 2, and my overwhelm in what felt like the driver's seat role in the parenting and household departments was starting to leak out as judgment, criticism, and, a lot of times, BOTH of those things disguised as a question: "WHAT are you DOING?" paired with a lot of noises and huffing and puffing that really meant, "YOU are an IDIOT."
Judgy questions like this ALWAYS got met with defensiveness: "WHAT is your PROBLEM?? I was just ASKING A QUESTION!"
As you likely know, these conversations went nowhere fast.
I left feeling alone, hurt, and like I couldn't count on him.
And he left feeling so confused and like he could never do enough or do it right….like the goalpost was always moving.
If I had had an N-of-1 (like most people), no professional training in group dynamics or motivation, I might have kept believing that my husband was just a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket, incapable of seeing things I needed to be on BOTH of our radars. However, I was years into my career as a couples therapist and was hearing this same scenario play out in my office over and over again WITH THE MOST WELL-INTENTIONED PEOPLE.
"What in the heck is going on here??"
It's an understatement to say that I've put a lot of thought into figuring out what the exact invisible roadblocks are in terms of not being able to get on the same page and distribute household and family-related tasks without hating each other.
The surprising thing is, I don't see it as his OR her fault. In so many invisible ways, we are set up to fail. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's all SOOOOooo easy to take personally. Once you do know what I'm talking about, it's WAAYYYY easier to get to solutions and resolutions that stick.
Whether you have a SAHParent in your household or both work full-time jobs, figuring out how to distribute household and family-related tasks without eating each other isn't easy, but I don't believe it has to be so hard.
In this week's episode of the How to Talk About It Podcast, I have my husband Eric on to discuss our journey in this department. How did we get to a good place? What was getting in the way? How did questions like, “Is it bath night?” cease? And how did Mika not end up in an orange jumpsuit OR the two of us not end up in divorce court will all be covered in-depth.
NO, we do not remember things the same. NO, he is not a unicorn. Yes, he is sassy, and I shoot him some death looks if you wanna check those out on YouTube. He is also hilarious and tends to be a viral sensation on the rare occasions he appears in my Reels on Instagram doing the most ridiculous things (click if you dare).
I REALLY hope this helps, because YOU deserve happy relationships,
P.S. - Let me know what you think! Leave a review wherever you listen to podcasts or email us at info@mikaross.com. I'd love to hear from you :)
Below are some online workshops to checkout if you'd like to take next steps.
