What is a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP anyway?
What is a healthy relationship anyway?
In the simplest terms, the research on relationships shows that successful relationships aren't perfect, but they do have at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one.
But this positivity isn't rooted in being fake or inauthentic, not expressing negative emotions, or muscling your way to being more upbeat even though on the inside you want to scratch the other person's eyes out, have many years worth of unresolved issues, or a heap of resentment between you.
WHAT DEEPLY CONFUSES SO MANY PEOPLE is that “positive”, when it comes to relationship interactions, doesn't mean the absence of expressing negative feelings, but instead is about expressing needs, wants, hurts, and fears without blame and criticism and being able to receive communication without defensiveness.
If a relationship researcher heard “WHAT are you DOING?” slathered in judgment and a spouse meets that critical question with defensiveness, it would get coded as a negative interaction.
But if they heard, “I'm so irritated right now,” with a smirk and light laugh, “I need you to ___________________” - fill in that blank with whatever it is would be more helpful to the person in that moment, and the partner responded with a silly, “Aye aye, Captain!” and then proceeded to do the more helpful thing, it would get coded as a positive interaction.
But, IT ALWAYS TAKES TWO TO TANGO. Let's take that first example that starts with, “WHAT are you DOING?” which I once asked my husband when I thought I was CLEARLY communicating I was going to bed (I was in the bed, head on pillow, lights out, eyes closed) and he waltzed into our bedroom, flicked on the blinding closet light, and began clanking hangers - putting away laundry.
That “WHAT are you DOING???!!,” was slathered in a “ARE YOU A DUMBASS??" tone. Not nice or necessary. Understandable? Yes. Justifiable? Also, yes (I was SO tired). Gonna get us to a resolution quickly? Likely not.
But instead of meeting my criticism with defensiveness, he stuck his head out of the closet with a smirk (because my family LOVES catching me in my own lackluster communication) and said, “I HEAR you need me to do this tomorrow??”: a paraphrase of my need that was underneath the anger, frustration, and blame.
I giggled as I frustratedly yelled, “YES I NEED YOU TO DO THIS TOMORROW!!!” nonverbally communicating that this was OBVIOUS AND acknowledging my whiff in the communication department.
“Got it. I'll do it tomorrow. GEEZE. All ya had to do was ask." This was dripping in sarcasm about his own whiff in the observation department. As he shut the door, we were both laughing.
THIS would have been coded as a POSITIVE INTERACTION. Was it perfect. NO. Doesn't need to be.
This communication got to the NEED and to the RESOLUTION without getting stuck in the attack/defense cycle…which it very easily could have. My husband would have been justified to respond with, “WHAT is your PROBLEM?!"….and you likely know how this would have played out 😬.
So, the WHAT is less important than the HOW when it comes to communication in relationships.
CHARACTERISTICS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP:
Positive Communication: Open and honest communication without criticism and defensiveness helps prevent misunderstandings and gets people to resolutions in conflicts fast.
Mutual Respect: Both partners respect each other's differences, opinions, and boundaries.
Trust: Many believe trust is foundational to intimacy and without it, relationships struggle.
Equality: A balanced relationships where both partners share responsibilities and roles.
Support: Being there for each other in meaningful ways.
Independence: Both partners maintain their sense of self and have activities/interests outside the relationship.
Modern Compromise: Finding resolutions that feel more like win-wins and less like "I'm gonna do something dreadful this time and you're gonna do something dreadful next time."
Love and Affection: Showing appreciation and love through words and actions.
SIGNS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP:
Both partners feel deeply seen, heard, and understood because active listening is frequent.
Disagreements are handled in a way you want your kids to see and each partner feels better after the conversation, not worse.
Each partner feels comfortable expressing their needs and desires.
There's a balance between time spent together and time spent apart.
Decisions are made together and each partner feels considered.
BUT HOW? Listen, I didn't grow up with this stuff either; my parents did not have a marriage I would want for myself. AND I've made it my life's mission to teach this communication stuff because it turned around the relationships in my life BIG TIME. All I ever wanted was a happy marriage and family. Are either of these things in my life perfect? Ew, no. But they are authentic, close, messy, and man, I love hanging out with these people.
I know when they're irritated. They feel comfy expressing what they need and where their boundaries are. And we respect our differences (there are so many).
I hope I'm creating an environment my kids WANT to opt back into when they're older. One that feels good (80-90% of the time…remember the 5:1 ratio), where their parents' relationships doesn't get on their last nerve, where everyone knows my happiness isn't their job because I'm taking 100% responsibility for it, AND where they can just be themselves.
Sound lovely? Check out the Learn How to Fight Course if you'd like SO MUCH CLARITY on how to start moving those interactions from the “NEGATIVE" pile to the “POSITIVE” pile.
You deserve happy relationships,
P.S. - Here are some links to help you find those win-wins:
To get on my New Client Waitlist (4-6 months) CLICK HERE.
To get stuck in fewer arguments and have fewer stupid fights on repeat WATCH OUR FREE 40-MINUTE COMMUNICATION TRAINING.
Need something to do while doing something else? Check out the HOW TO TALK ABOUT IT PODCAST.
At your wits end in your relationships with a partner or your kids? We have ONLINE WORKSHOPS for that.
